Why Am I In This Friendship?

Friendship is one of the most familiar words in the dictionary as we all are in a friendship of sort. This stems from the human nature to crave companionship and intimacy. However, as familiar as we seem to be with the word, it is also a word widely misrepresented. A lot of people have been left scarred because of the wrong choice of friend(s) and you hear them say “there are no true friends”. True friendship itself is not a mirage but we seem to have a falsified view about the idea of friendship. I, for one, confide in my friends than I do in my immediate family, yes, we are that close. But closeness is not a determining factor of friendship, intention is. It might sound too simple but it does carry a lot. The simple question, “why am I in this friendship?”.

Wikipedia defines friendship as “a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people”. Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, on the other hand, gave a more explicit description, presenting it as “a distinctively personal relationship that is grounded in a concern on the part of each friend for the welfare of the other, for the other’s sake, and that involves some degree of intimacy”. The recurring point in the definitions stated above is that friendship is a mutually satisfying relationship. In other words, it must involve more than one person and it must be mutual. Now, you hardly see people being friends with themselves except their sanity is questionable. But finding people who are not in mutually satisfying friendship is not a rare sight. Sadly enough, most people are unaware.

The importance of friendship to our lives cannot be overemphasized and that is why we cannot afford to get it wrong. The friends we keep are undoubtedly one of the greatest influences we have, which explains why most often than not, our friends reflect our values. We therefore need to understand that true friendship goes beyond what we see on the surface and those deeper factors are what determines whether it is friendship or an organization.

Friendship is expected to have certain features ranging from sympathy, empathy, honesty, mutual understanding, compassion, trust to the enjoyment of each other’s company, the ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement from the friend. On the surface, most friendships do not lack these qualities but on a deeper level, you tend to find insincere intentions masquerading as affection. Any relationship devoid of genuine love and concern for each other and an unrequited friendship is not in the true sense of the word, “friendship” because as established earlier, it involves both parties reciprocating the love, care and concern.

One thing I discovered about friendships is that those that developed by chance/virtue last longer than those borne out of need. Now, need comes in different ways, there is what I call “the innocent need” and “the parasitic need”. Both types of need are dangerous as it destroys the carrier in the innocent need and the host in the parasitic need. The carrier of the innocent need in most cases is unaware and it is found in people who are insecure or love-starved, low esteemed, if you like and they have irresistible desire to feel loved. When they meet someone who is in the least interested in them or vice versa, they stick to that person in desperation.

The outcome is either the recipient is a leech and ends up draining them or that person is nice but in the long run, gets choked up and withdraws. The parasitic need on the other hand, is very aware and sometimes even smug. The need in this instance is usually for money, position or comfort. In both cases, the driving force for such friendship is not love or genuine concern and will ultimately hit the rocks, leaving one party, if not both, hurt.

Friendship developed by chance is usually as a result of common interests or values. These are the kind of friends life toss at you and you find out their craziness matches yours. They become an integral part of your life but its not a need as much as its an enjoyment. They understand you perfectly and even your silence. This kind of friendship is mutually satisfying and there is a sincere enjoyment of each other’s company. However, it should not be mistaken that it must last forever, sometimes, it does fade most probably due to distance in space or time. But unlike the former that ends with hurts and hard feelings, they slowly fade away while their memory lasts forever.

This brings us back to the first question, “why am I in this friendship”? Or “why is my friend with me?”. My best answer will be in the range of an “I don’t know, we just had a connection”. You ask me the kind of person my friend is and I can give you a two volumed book on how great a person he/she is. But why is the person my friend? I can’t seem to explain in words, I am just eternally grateful for the friendship.

Kay Magnate