Through My Life's Love Journey

We all have had our fair share of the heartaches and heartbreaks and as funny as it may sound, but I’m actually glad they happened as these times have thought me  a lot about myself, people, love and life in general. No doubt love is great and as a matter of fact, it’s a wonderful feeling but the excruciating pain its ripple effect inflicts on us makes it dame easy to change that smile we once had to an upside down frown, which I believe logically explains why there’s such a thin line between love and hate. However, I am most appreciative of these moments and they are actually one of the major high notes of my journey through life but what I still find hard to explain is how something that brought so much joy can change so quickly to cause us angst and make us cry so badly.

Who am I? I am that guy, that individual, a bad boy turn good and swiftly growing to be the man he was created to be, who hasn’t just been heart broken by women he gave his heart to and loved unconditionally but has also broken a couple hearts to, so I guess that qualifies me to talk about love as I’ve been through it all; the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to the matters of the heart. Growing up as a kid, all I ever wanted was to love unconditionally and sincerely but I still can’t remember how and when I managed to loose myself, my priorities and goals as regards relationships, only to fall in love with a selfish and heartless me, who activated the beast mode in me and hurting a couple pure and innocent soul in the process and just before you castigate and bury me alive, love already did, trust me.

You know, love knows how to fight its own battles and it’s true what they say about karma fighting back and hunting us when we least expect, and that dude if he was human must have hated my guts so badly, as he had a first row seat to my life and never hesitated to pay me an uninvited visit each time I got my hands dirty after a fair game of card. Apparently, I have always had to learn the hard way and hardly got away with anything I did wrong. I have had to pay back in full and double sometimes and that basically explains my recent records of the heartaches and heartbreaks but thanks to grace, I haven’t given up on love and never will. Through my life’s love journey, I have learnt a lot about women, life, love, hate and relationships and I’ve come to understand so much as regards putting my cards plain on the table and keeping my hands clean if I don’t want that same fire I’m igniting through my lies to turn back to burn me.

Love is kind and patient and a loving heart, pure and tolerant, it makes excuses for the one it loves. However, let’s be careful not to abuse its privileges or we watch it turn back real quick and aggressively that is, just like a rattle snake whose tail has just been stepped on. The truth is, for every good heart you allowed to cry attract a million chocolate boxes to another who’s just playing with yours and anticipating the day to say goodbye. Life is a bitch, isn’t it, but so are your words if they don’t percolate with the truth. The way you lay your bed, so you’ll lie in it. If you give me lemons, I’ll bring some vodka and we can mix it up and start a party, that’s what love is meant to be about; helping and complementing each other. You can’t leave others in the dark and expect to be shown the light. If you throw jabs at me, you can be rest assured that there’s someone out there heading your way with a knockout punch.  Whatever you sow is what you reap, period.

You know, I’ve spent quite a number of years as an ignorant kid sagging my pants as I walked through the surface of the earth and most of which I had the choice of dressing right and staying sharp but I chose to act immature regardless. Through these times, I’ve also had the opportunity of finding peace with the old selfless me that wouldn’t hurt a fly but my ego had to meet the tiger in me and that got things pretty messed up. Now what am I trying to say? We are filled with choices each day and solely responsible for the consequences of whatever decision we choose to take. God wouldn’t force His will on us despite being the creator of the universe and neither will life. You are as good as your last decision because that gives birth to the next phase of your life so be careful when making these choices.

I will like to conclude by saying that love happens to define our existence in so much way than we actually think, it is the true essence of life itself and we are nothing without it. Even the creation of the earth and everything in it, which includes us of course, was done out of love and you’re dead the moment you cease to exude it.  However, the funny thing about it all is that there is no manual to how to love, it happens naturally. Any love forced is lust and headed for the bin. Through my life’s love journey, I’ve seen people been cheated on and hated for been too caring and loving, and on the other hand, I’ve seen people been loved and cherished for lying and treating their spouse like a piece of trash, it's just funny, the ways of love. You know, I’ve heard a million definitions to this four letter words I've spent the last couple of minutes talking about, but if only we look deep enough, we would realize that it’s only love that can truly explain itself.  Just be you, be ready and love will find you. True love I say is you finding that part of yourself that says I’m ready. We don’t find true love, true love finds us.

Kay Magnate

Remembering My Mum

These past few months have been some the most emotionally charged moments of my life. One is never truly ready or prepared to lose a parent or loved one.

As my Aunt Adrienne said to me just the other day, “It’s as if a light had gone out in the world”. Such a perfect explanation of the emotions toward how my mom lived her life.

Those who know me, have probably heard me bitch and complain of what a pain in the ass she was and how she made me so crazy, and how it made her just as crazy. At the same time I know there were times, you had also heard me praise this courageous, amazing woman. As I type this I know how blessed I was to have Jacq as my mom.

My mom was a stage four breast cancer survivor for over 20 years, and most people who encountered her never knew she had breast cancer or of the challenges she may have faced that day or in her life. She fought an amazing fight right up till the end.

The day before she passed I said to her, “Mom, you need to put yourself first for once, everyone will be fine.” Her reply was, “I promise, I’ll try, love you very much.” She never wavered from who she was. She kept her quick wit, sense of humor, feisty disposition, and never ending warmth and love.

She was kind and patient with the doctors and nurses as they did what was needed to help her, as uncomfortable as it may have been. She would call her oncologist “Old Blue Eyes” even though his eyes are not blue. “Hahahaha” She would laugh, in a loving tone.

Everyone who knew Mom & her oncologist knew of the fondness they had for one another. She would greet the nurses with, “Hello, darling”, along with a smile and smart ass comeback.The love she gave was apparent by the overwhelming love she would receive by each and every person who came in contact with her.

Jacqui was just that type of human.

She would challenge you, love you, and make you want to strangle her at times, but in the end you always felt blessed to know her or to be a part of her world.

She had been known to buy a cup of hot cocoa, or a banana or water for the Salvation Army bell ringer in front of any store. She would offer water to the garbage men or mail person on a hot summer day. She smiled at every person walking down the street, thinking maybe they needed it because they were enduring a tough day. She treated people the way she felt they should be treated.

I remember Mom once taped a large poster board sign on the back of her car that read: “Pray for Peace” My father was not too thrilled, being he thought she was always looking to invite trouble. Hahahahaha

Just another Jacqui reference.

If she was in a heated argument, the V birthmark on her forehead would darken and you would know the scorpion tongue was being fueled.

When you speak to those who knew her, there is always a story or four you will hear that will touch your heart and make you smile. “Unique” is the perfect word to describe my mom.

I know she is no longer here for me to argue with, hug, tease, admire, or learn from… But I know she will always be around me, guiding and loving me in a spiritual sense. Jacqui believed the soul lives on, and now that she is with some of her beloved friends, family, and her love, my father Arthur, she is healthy and vibrant once again, living big all around us.

My life after now is something I’ll need to figure out with each passing day.

Remembering my parents, especially my mom, I’m trying to live my life as authentically as possible. My brothers and I are their legacy and they were all about being in service to humanity. So now we get to carry that legacy forward.

My Life After Now, was the last book my mom read before she passed 6/22/13.

She was so proud of my cousin Jessica Verdi, and told everyone she saw about how this book was a must read. For even with a different challenge than the character in the book had, my mother cried and could relate to the emotions of admitting and recognizing her “life after now” which for mom was breast cancer.

You are my sunshine. Always were always will be!

I love you, Jacqui.

Forever learning in your space, even with you gone. xxx

Blessed Be,

Until we meet again…

Cynthia

"As we walk to create light for others, we naturally light our own way…"

~Mary Anne Radmacher~

The Woman..

The woman who deserves to be my wife will see beyond what others see in me and pick up the shovel with me as we dig a lasting foundation for a love that knows no bound. She will derive joy and pleasure in getting on her kneels to pray for me every morning when she wakes up even before she says, I DO.  My woman, my everything as Patoranking said in one of his songs and with her I plan to spend the rest of my life in holy matrimony, till death do us apart.

She’s a woman of virtue, the type we read about in the bible and definitely not the kind that walks about the place with a sledge hammer and squashing hearts. I like to see her as the reason behind those many heartbreaks because if they didn’t happen, I will probably have ended up with the wrong one. So it’s true what they say that every disappointment is a blessing. And sorry for the hearts I broke as well, guess they weren’t just meant to be and I’m sure you found someone twice the man I was. I’m a king now and only hope this crown leads me to my queen.

Mrs Falaiye, that’s actually not a bad name to inherit if you ask me, but I must warn you that I’ve got pretty amazing sisters so you must be prepared to bring in your ‘A’ game. You know, I have always boasted to end up with a woman they would be proud of and finding someone more prettier than they are will only make me the true son of my father because my mother is fine like that. Anyway, love isn’t just about beauty but the inner glow is what counts, really.

I pray I find someone who loves God more than she will ever love me and bring up our children in the way of the Lord. Like I always say, beauty doesn’t build a home, the presence of God in her does and only pray she remains a pencil in her creator’s hand and allow him paint us a wonderful future. You know I was just trying to update my status on my blackberry messenger when the inspiration for this piece came along and only hope someday we might get to exchange pin and ping our way to each other’s heart.

Love is real, kind and patient and I’m definitely not in haste because we really can’t rush what we want to last forever. It is possible you are already a part of my life and maybe not but time is the true test of love and let’s hope it conquers all. I haven’t been the best guy, trust me but if you must belong to my future, you must be willing to forgive my past. The present is branded and new and so will our love and only the right one can forever keep it fresh like a new pair of Nike shoes just off the box.

I don’t want a love full of webs neither do I ever want us to get entangled in one of those triangles. If we are ever going to do this, let’s be dame sure we do it right. I have seen a couple beautiful romantic love movies that brought me to tears and wishing I played the lead role in a real life situation although I can’t promise to freeze in the cold storm while I put you in the boat to sail into another man’s hands but I can promise not to take you on a love cruise in a sinking ship, we can always choose to fly.

You know, I’ve dated a few amazing women I really liked and lost due to my anger and pride and only hope you are twice the women they were back then because I’m hoping they are all restored back to me all in one now that I’ve traded my aches for beauty and all thanks to the Holy Spirit for partnering with me on this life project that gave me series of sleepless nights when I had to stay up to pray and fast my way to the Lord’s heart and thankfully I received His mercy on a platter of gold.

So I ask, will you be willing to dive into the ocean of love with me if we were swimming with sharks and I don’t mean the vegetarian one, this isn’t the SHARKTALE. This is real and you must be prepared to hustle your way out with me in the midst of those flesh eating creatures because life is deeper than you think and be rest assured that someday our friends would get jealous and think of every way possible to tear us apart, stabbing us in the back and trust me, the least we ever want is to make that blood spill because even if we are lucky enough not to get shewed, the belly of the fish sure isn’t where I would want to learn my lessons, I’m not Jonah.

I am pretty satisfied with the beautiful names my parent gave me and if we were to ever have some connection with a tale in the bible, why don’t we take a trip back to the garden and correct the mistake of centuries ago and refuse to eat the fruit; fruit of lies, deceit, fornication and adultery just to mention a few and let’s choose to remain in love, to be faithful, contented, sincere and above all, heaven driven individuals who would someday build a home for God to dwell in and together we would raise heavenly children for God to work with, while we grow old in each other’s arms and watch the sunset.

By the way, I know there’s no such thing as a perfect wife or a perfect husband but we can choose to believe in ‘FOREVER’ and forever I say is giving one another unlimited chances to love each other every day. Believe in love, love and be loved and that’s exactly what I intend to do when I find my bride. And interestingly enough, I know who I am now and no longer lost in the shadow of myself so I’m not the type to beg for a girl’s love anymore, we are actually just meant to click. You are not doing me a favor, neither am I, we are meant to be partners and work together as a team and it starts with a decision to try.

Kay Magnate

Amongst The Golden Selection

As the stars shine, it marvels the night

Sunset refines the day, her beauty surpasses them like that of a city been looked down upon

My heart has evolved into the mystery of a crystal ball and there again lives the language of my soul

This damsel colors my world with the maze of music and luster

When her fingers touch my chest, I could feel my heart beat reacting to an impulse that comes once in a blue moon

Indeed, her majesty she’s known to be

Her head forever carries a crown

She is my queen bee, tasty and sweet as her honey

Her eyes grows me wild, knocks me down hard.

I begin to stammer with pauses and startle with repetitions

On my exploring wheels, I experience the breeze of wonder; how precious she could ever have been?

I had sworn again, she is the only one who crosses over, goes deep beyond, speaks to my spirit and roll over my authorities to an ease of her own commands

She soothes my heart with her angelic voice.

Embalmed in the fantasies of utopia, I see myself barking under her charm

The last time I journeyed down memory lane, I saw my mind sailing side seas of adventure and craze

Each time I’m in her arms, my feet are swept off by the aura of magic she fragrances unto my world

This leaves me breathless

She is adorned my model of in-estimable value

She has an attitude that conveys brilliance and humility

She also has a very pretty heart that’s chastely and saintly

I could never forget the smooth linings of her lips

Her smiles revolve around her and truly I would say lights up the shining orb of her beauty

Her gracefulness when she dances is compared to the feminine waves of the sea breeze, slowly and calmly

I begin to loose consciousness

I become spell bound; she sums up my master piece and has been gossiped to be a secret exception amongst the golden selection.